Sunday, March 22, 2015

DYING TO LIVE...



Its Sunday I’m at work counting down the hours till I can reclaim my life again and go live, be with my family spend some quality time before the start of another week, you know regroup. As I’m siting here looking at the grey skies I’m thinking about an article I just read of a guy who decided to drive into a loaded truck because he couldn't take the pressure (of life, business…) anymore, as he could no longer provide for his wife, who has in turn started entertaining other men who could provide her with ABC… I’m sitting here saddened by all this I mean at what time did we get to this point where people are killing themselves over material things? When did we become this society?

You know the thing with death its that’s its final, there is no do overs, no second takes, you cannot come back once you are gone, that’s it curtain roll…suicide is always such a touchy subject because for me I believe we should look to the people who surrounded this person, the people who formed his world, in there lies the answers. This person was desperate and couldn't reach out to people that were supposed to love him, they didn't feel safe enough to be able to rely on them for whatever or go to them for support or solace so they decided to end it all. It’s not because they were tired of living, they were let down.

There is so much pressure of late with everything , there are always those pop up messages everywhere around us, in our homes , communities in the workplace among our friends telling us that you are not worthy because you don’t have 1..2..3.. And as a result you will never be happy or fulfilled; you will never have peace of mind.Every day we are killing ourselves trying to get it all, be all, conquer the world, a lot of times this is done outside of the bounds of noting resources we have available on hand at the time, we fail to take into account what we are able to do at any given time and as a result we put ourselves under immense pressure where failing is inevitable. You have been bending for so long that you are weak and the only thing left is for you to collapse. We are not “failing” because we cannot do whatever it is we are trying to add on to our already loaded plate what’s causing us to fail is the fact that we try to do so much too soon, let me use an analogy that will bring it closer to home, you go to the gym for three days and on day 4 you already want to do things that people that are at the advance level are doing.

 Your muscles haven’t even gotten used to you being active, You haven’t given yourself time to get used to the routines, increase your reps as you gain more strength and develop your own technique but you already trying to do too much, because you are busy looking at the guy next to you and trying to do all that he is doing cause hey he is not about to “beat” you, you going to show him.  These are the moments were logic abandons us, we fail to take into considerations that there is work that has to be put in for a one to be able to master a certain skill you don’t just wake up one day  run a marathon. You have to keep at it. It’s a slow process.
The same with life, if you don’t pace yourself, you will eventually burnout because you trying to do things with minimal resources, there are things you still need to learn about yourself, the world and dealing with others before you can try to venture out and broaden your horizons. Some skills have to be learned through experience you cannot mimic through observation of others, and usually these are the type of skills that take time and require patience, lots and lots of patience. It hardly ever happens over night.

Its quiet unfortunate that at times we associate and end up loving (broken) people who are either in love with the idea of who we are, or they love what we can do for them, not us. These are people who are always looking out for number one, people who operate on self-preservation mode, its either you or them and they won’t hesitate to throw you under the bus if need be. We are such champions at being to true to people who only serve themselves and their purpose. What is sad about these types of situations which have become the template for modern day dating is that when tragedies such as these happen, we are all shook by the incident but we soon forget and continue to try and GET IT…WHATEVER IT IS…Even if it’s evident that its killing us.






Sunday, March 8, 2015

THE BIG 30...

So what is supposed to happen when 30 is a few months away and you haven't done any of the things that you supposedly should have done by the time you reach that age? 

What happens when your life didn't follow the plan as set out by people you don't know and will never meet?
What started this train of though was an article I read on “THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU TURN THE BIG 30" I am not going to go over those things cause for me they are just ridiculous, So what happens after 30, do you now start counting the days to your demise? Life is complex enough as  it is without there being lists of things that label you a “loser”…I mean we are not of the same tree, how then can the fruit we bear be the same? how can our journey be the same when our path is not the same? why are there comparisons when even life doesn't deal us the same cards?

This also reminded me of how I always hear that “every girl” dreamt about their Matric farewell, how they plan for the day from Grade 8 and  how everything has to be perfect, the dress, the hair, makeup, shoes etc. This was news for me hey, I didn't know every girl did this, hell I wore pants and a cocktail top to my farewell dance cause a fluffy dress was just not practical for me. I wanted to get clothes I will be able to wear again when I want to, not a dress that is going to sit in the cupboard gathering dust. That’s more sensible right? right!

 I remember I told my friend that’s what I wanted to wear and she thought I was kidding, I  told my mom my plans and she was horrified and as I result my dad took me shopping, my mom tried to sway me saying how I’m not going to be half as beautiful as I would be if I were to wear a dress. Well I would be beautiful for me, right? And for me that’s all that’s mattered.

 The same thing happened when I decide 6 years ago to stop relaxing my hair, my mom was horrified to say the least  and I was adamant , I was done with burning my scalp and getting rid of the “growth” every time it reared its ugly head….LOL  The way I would get into a state when there was growth and my mom didn't have money for me to go to the salon so that I can get my hair fluffy and soft, man I would panic and for that whole week I would wear it in a bun. Hide the horror, such silliness. What was ironic is that my mom is not even into hair extensions and make up, so I didn't quite understand why she tried to talk me out of going back to being natural…ooor it could be the whole natural hair is hard to manage, looks messy …blah…blah…blah.. (check display to prove that is  lie)
Maybe I am the way that I am because I grew up with 3 brothers, this is why I wasn't dreaming of matric farewells or weddings pallets, I don’t even have scrap books be it on paper or committed to memory of things I have always wanted ( that are material ) since I was  a lil girl… I have always loved reading and I still do and since I prefer to express myself through writing, especially emotional matters, writing is my second love. All these other things are foreign to me.

OK  back to the topic at hand, being frantic about  growing old , not having 1…2…3 and whatever the hell else, do all these other things matter when your life didn't turn out how you would have liked but better cause you would have never imagined this (whatever this is for you) for yourself? Do you not celebrate all your other achievements and victories whilst still in pursuit of whatever else is out there for you to discover, isn't that what living is? So you have “all” that you want except for the IT things on other peoples list, and  when you lie awake at night taking stock and giving thanks, all those other things you don’t even think about cause they just not for you…

This is the year I turn the big 30...(insert dramatic music) What big 30? its the duuurty 30's ...I can truly say I have never looked and felt better (again check displayed  pic for confirmation)  for me the build up to my 30’s has been IT, when you begin understanding yourself a bit more, when you look in the mirror and you see all that makes you beautiful and everything else in between... you don’t notice the flaws first like you used to earlier on in your teens and early twenties, you have grown to love that mole, those freckles cause hey they are you.

Among other things having peace in your life is of outmost importance to you, and you consciously choose people you want to have in your space, and disregard anything and everyone that has you questioning what you know in your heart to be your truth, the journey has been IT for me, the experiences, the gift of life…everything else is just secondary. So if you happen to find yourself gasping for air cause you turning 30…35...45..Just remember it could have been worse, unlike some you are able to celebrate .

Its all love…