LEARN TO CONTROL THE THINGS YOU CAN....

Most of the things that happen to us in life are beyond our control, you know those unexpected situations when life hands you lemons, we all know  life happens and you have to deal with what you have been dealt, make the most of the situation you find yourself in, and do your out most best to not allow it to define you; rise above it all and come out unscathed  because we are not our situations right? well, not always but yeah.

This type of positive thinking is not always easy to accomplish, well actually its one of the hardest thing to do, give the other cheek when you have already been smacked hard, because things can go from bad to worse and you are just standing there thinking damn and you don't know what else to do except to wallow and pity yourself. What else can you do when the only thing you can smell is that all too familiar smell of defeat?! This thought came to me after I had posted a workout video online today and I received positive feedback, on how I'm taking this working out business seriously, and it had me thinking, well, exercising  falls within the realms of things I CAN control, its one of the things I do to take charge of my life, things that are withing my reach and require only positive action from me, so why shouldn't I do it? We spend countless hours, every minute of everyday actually obsessing over what may or may not happen, this is why we are so stressed and volatile as people, we are always worried about the unknown. 

Imagine for a second what would happen if you decide to take charge of the things you can and leave the rest to God, cause what else can you do right? Like I have already stated above life happens and you don't know what tomorrow has in store for you, but somethings don't have to happen to you, you can take charge and be in control, you can decide that you are going to live consciously  and stop going through the emotions, you will be vocal in your life and express dissatisfaction when you are not treated fairly, you will do more of the things you love and learn to put yourself first more often, you will invest in yourself and learn a new skill, you will be mindful of everything that you consume, you will take an active role in your health and well being, you will be kind to yourself, cause how else are others going to learn if you don't lead the way?

There are things that do not require the help of others or money for that matter they just require us to see the need and make time and follow through, keep the promises we make to ourselves, and not only talk about doing things but actually do them. You don't need money to express love to those around you, you just have to do it, with your actions, and I'm not talking  grand gestures and expensive gifts, a mere " I see all that you are doing and appreciate your efforts" is all that is needed at times to stop someone from going through the rails. The little things that mean the most, and have the biggest impact...

The key to getting anything done is your willingness to want do it for yourself first and foremost, other people should wager in as sources of motivation that keep you strong when the going gets tough, because if you just doing it for others and not yourself, when that sacrificial feeling leaves you, you will just abandon ship and move on to other things,  external motivation is not easily sustainable, always fleeting, of course this doesn't apply to everything because sometimes, actually often times its about doing what benefits others first and you second, and also things aren't always that clear cut and black and white, so the decision is not always so easy to make.

So my stance is this as I am writing this blog and sharing my thoughts with you, you have no control over your mortality or that of your loved ones, you cannot control the weather and you cannot control how others treat you, so because of these reasons and some that are known to you, this is why its important that we always try with all our might to control the things that we can control, things that don't require the assistance of others or money.  Money is always at the root of why we are unable to fulfill our promises to ourselves and others or see what we have started to the end, this is why we  need to pay special mind to the things that matter to us the most and may not necessarily matter to others,  things that make our eyes wonder and our hearts flutter, things that make you dream without reservations because for once you are living outside the bounds of reality and what may or not be possible given your situation, things that transport you back to childhood, to a time when you didn't know any better so you were inclined to follow your imagination and disregard reason, because life hadn't happened to you yet. Things that make you happy... Those are the things you need to control and take charge of.

Control those things that grow you...

DYING TO LIVE...

Its Sunday I’m at work counting down the hours till I can reclaim my life again and go live, be with my family spend some quality time before the start of another week, you know regroup. As I’m siting here looking at the grey skies I’m thinking about an article I just read of a guy who decided to drive into a loaded truck because he couldn't take the pressure (of life, business…) anymore, as he could no longer provide for his wife, who has in turn started entertaining other men who could provide her with ABC… I’m sitting here saddened by all this I mean at what time did we get to this point where people are killing themselves over material things? When did we become this society?

You know the thing with death its that’s its final, there is no do overs, no second takes, you cannot come back once you are gone, that’s it curtain roll…suicide is always such a touchy subject because for me I believe we should look to the people who surrounded this person, the people who formed his world, in there lies the answers. This person was desperate and couldn't reach out to people that were supposed to love him, they didn't feel safe enough to be able to rely on them for whatever or go to them for support or solace so they decided to end it all. It’s not because they were tired of living, they were let down.

There is so much pressure of late with everything , there are always those pop up messages everywhere around us, in our homes , communities in the workplace among our friends telling us that you are not worthy because you don’t have 1..2..3.. And as a result you will never be happy or fulfilled; you will never have peace of mind.Every day we are killing ourselves trying to get it all, be all, conquer the world, a lot of times this is done outside of the bounds of noting resources we have available on hand at the time, we fail to take into account what we are able to do at any given time and as a result we put ourselves under immense pressure where failing is inevitable. You have been bending for so long that you are weak and the only thing left is for you to collapse. We are not “failing” because we cannot do whatever it is we are trying to add on to our already loaded plate what’s causing us to fail is the fact that we try to do so much too soon, let me use an analogy that will bring it closer to home, you go to the gym for three days and on day 4 you already want to do things that people that are at the advance level are doing.

 Your muscles haven’t even gotten used to you being active, You haven’t given yourself time to get used to the routines, increase your reps as you gain more strength and develop your own technique but you already trying to do too much, because you are busy looking at the guy next to you and trying to do all that he is doing cause hey he is not about to “beat” you, you going to show him.  These are the moments were logic abandons us, we fail to take into considerations that there is work that has to be put in for a one to be able to master a certain skill you don’t just wake up one day  run a marathon. You have to keep at it. It’s a slow process.

The same with life, if you don’t pace yourself, you will eventually burnout because you trying to do things with minimal resources, there are things you still need to learn about yourself, the world and dealing with others before you can try to venture out and broaden your horizons. Some skills have to be learned through experience you cannot mimic through observation of others, and usually these are the type of skills that take time and require patience, lots and lots of patience. It hardly ever happens over night.

Its quiet unfortunate that at times we associate and end up loving (broken) people who are either in love with the idea of who we are, or they love what we can do for them, not us. These are people who are always looking out for number one, people who operate on self-preservation mode, its either you or them and they won’t hesitate to throw you under the bus if need be. We are such champions at being to true to people who only serve themselves and their purpose. What is sad about these types of situations which have become the template for modern day dating is that when tragedies such as these happen, we are all shook by the incident but we soon forget and continue to try and GET IT…WHATEVER IT IS…Even if it’s evident that its killing us.

THE BIG 30...

So what is supposed to happen when 30 is a few months away and you haven't done any of the things that you supposedly should have done by the time you reach that age? 

What happens when your life didn't follow the plan as set out by people you don't know and will never meet?
What started this train of though was an article I read on “THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU TURN THE BIG 30" I am not going to go over those things cause for me they are just ridiculous, So what happens after 30, do you now start counting the days to your demise? Life is complex enough as  it is without there being lists of things that label you a “loser”…I mean we are not of the same tree, how then can the fruit we bear be the same? how can our journey be the same when our path is not the same? why are there comparisons when even life doesn't deal us the same cards?

This also reminded me of how I always hear that “every girl” dreamt about their Matric farewell, how they plan for the day from Grade 8 and  how everything has to be perfect, the dress, the hair, makeup, shoes etc. This was news for me hey, I didn't know every girl did this, hell I wore pants and a cocktail top to my farewell dance cause a fluffy dress was just not practical for me. I wanted to get clothes I will be able to wear again when I want to, not a dress that is going to sit in the cupboard gathering dust. That’s more sensible right? right!

 I remember I told my friend that’s what I wanted to wear and she thought I was kidding, I  told my mom my plans and she was horrified and as I result my dad took me shopping, my mom tried to sway me saying how I’m not going to be half as beautiful as I would be if I were to wear a dress. Well I would be beautiful for me, right? And for me that’s all that’s mattered.

 The same thing happened when I decide 6 years ago to stop relaxing my hair, my mom was horrified to say the least  and I was adamant , I was done with burning my scalp and getting rid of the “growth” every time it reared its ugly head….LOL  The way I would get into a state when there was growth and my mom didn't have money for me to go to the salon so that I can get my hair fluffy and soft, man I would panic and for that whole week I would wear it in a bun. Hide the horror, such silliness. What was ironic is that my mom is not even into hair extensions and make up, so I didn't quite understand why she tried to talk me out of going back to being natural…ooor it could be the whole natural hair is hard to manage, looks messy …blah…blah…blah.. (check display to prove that is  lie)
Maybe I am the way that I am because I grew up with 3 brothers, this is why I wasn't dreaming of matric farewells or weddings pallets, I don’t even have scrap books be it on paper or committed to memory of things I have always wanted ( that are material ) since I was  a lil girl… I have always loved reading and I still do and since I prefer to express myself through writing, especially emotional matters, writing is my second love. All these other things are foreign to me.

OK  back to the topic at hand, being frantic about  growing old , not having 1…2…3 and whatever the hell else, do all these other things matter when your life didn't turn out how you would have liked but better cause you would have never imagined this (whatever this is for you) for yourself? Do you not celebrate all your other achievements and victories whilst still in pursuit of whatever else is out there for you to discover, isn't that what living is? So you have “all” that you want except for the IT things on other peoples list, and  when you lie awake at night taking stock and giving thanks, all those other things you don’t even think about cause they just not for you…

This is the year I turn the big 30...(insert dramatic music) What big 30? its the duuurty 30's ...I can truly say I have never looked and felt better (again check displayed  pic for confirmation)  for me the build up to my 30’s has been IT, when you begin understanding yourself a bit more, when you look in the mirror and you see all that makes you beautiful and everything else in between... you don’t notice the flaws first like you used to earlier on in your teens and early twenties, you have grown to love that mole, those freckles cause hey they are you.

Among other things having peace in your life is of outmost importance to you, and you consciously choose people you want to have in your space, and disregard anything and everyone that has you questioning what you know in your heart to be your truth, the journey has been IT for me, the experiences, the gift of life…everything else is just secondary. So if you happen to find yourself gasping for air cause you turning 30…35...45..Just remember it could have been worse, unlike some you are able to celebrate .

Its all love…

SOLVE FOR ....

Ever look at life and think to yourself there must be a mean kid pulling the strings and undoing everything that I tried to do? Why does it seem like part of being a human being and figuring this life thing out can be compared to trying to solve a Rubik’s cube and you happen to be blindfolded? Being a human being is made even more difficult by the fact that we refuse to be who we truly are, so we wake up each morning and put on a performance, We can barely manage or control our emotions, we don’t always know what we want, and when we do figure out what we want, it’s because someone else convinced us that, that’s what we need …what is up with that. Obviously this is not everyone there are individuals who have make a conscious effort every day to be true to themselves and their dreams despite what society dictates.

 I often wonder what other creatures that perhaps have a superior intellect in comparison to us think when they are looking down on us (this is assuming that such exists).the reason I say looking down is because humans look down on animals, we believe we matter, we are above them, and our abusive and negligent behavior is proof of this, Very few of us see them as living creatures. As humans we are able to make distinctions between human and animal behavior, and when a fellow human being doesn't act in accordance with what other humans deem appropriate behavior, we label such a person an “animal”. This is not always a fair assessment as animals possess greater emotional intelligence that a lot of humans are without.  Half the time I would rather deal with animals that people because animals unlike people will never switch up on you, there will never be a time where a sheep will eat meat. Human beings are one thing today and tomorrow they are something totally different. I know a person adapts to situations as they play out, but I’m most certainly sure this by no means entails being a chameleon

The problem with us humans is that the world is at our feet we are spoilt for choice, variety is most definitely spicing up our lives. We are always looking for the next big amazing, mind-blowing thing that will complete and fill all the voids that form part of our makeup. Voids that are there on purpose and the only way each of us will be able to fill them is by being real with ourselves. There are so many nooks and crannies within every single one of us, where the truth about what is making us empty lies embedded, but because so many of us are not yet ready to go searching in those nooks, we want everything we lay our eyes on, hoping that it will fill the voids and we won’t have to make that trip to faraway land.

 The newly acquired piece doesn't always fit the puzzle, if it does it’s only momentarily, the feeling wears off and we find ourselves right where we started. We are known to want what others have not because of need, just so they are not the only ones in possession of whatever our eyes saw, now you have what the other person has but you are still unhappy, it doesn't paint your soul with all shades of wonderful. You remain empty. people who let go of worldly possessions and choose to live much simpler lives have been reported to lead fulfilling lives, they  care about the needs of others and realize that we are all connected ,and as such our paths will cross from time to time, so the best thing that one can do for their peace of mind is to live in harmony with others, to give only of yourself what will be useful to others, to be kind to yourself every day and to make a concerted effort to heal the places in you that have experienced unkind treatment in the past, to remind yourself that , you matter, write it on a wall somewhere in your house if you have to. To learn a new skill and follow through with every single thing you start no matter how small or insignificant I may be, if it’s important to you that’s all that matters, other people should cheer you on or render support, whatever you require of them. Celebrate each success, get lost in the moment and allow it to envelope you, do not dismiss it as we often do and last but not least give yourself permission to be happy, you are allowed.

There it is, I AM one hell of a mom, the ecards people have declared it, if it’s on the Internet then it must be true, everybody knows that. Sticky floors, messy kitchen, laundry pile, dirty oven and HAPPY kids. That was the state of our little haven when we all walked in from work and school yesterday, after the long day I had I was hoping that I will open the door and someone would have deployed an army of elf's to go clean my house, to my disappointment the house was still in the messy state I left it in the morning, and nothing quite says welcome home like everything being all over the place. *teary eyes*

The funny thing is that when I walked through the door I was actually shocked that the house was THAT dirty, I couldn't understand it. The day had kicked my ass that much that I now had dissociative amnesia. So I got in grossed out by how messy "we “ (Soprano &the girls) all are put down my bag amongst the clutter and went to the bathroom in search of strength, it must be hiding in there somewhere, cause as I stood there I was running on empty. There is something about dirt and the sound of little girls high pitched voices that just doesn’t go together, the dirtier the house is, the louder their voices seem to get in my head, at some point it felt as though the two of them were sitting on my shoulders screaming into my ears, good gosh where’s my glass of wine…

As luck would have it there’s no wine in the house, adding further insult to injury, there goes the last bit of strength that was hanging on by a thread… ahem. I felt my knees getting weaker as I walked to the kitchen to put on the kettle to make coffee for us, driving out to go get wine pretty much feels like another a chore at this point, we just want to sit down and worm out. Luckily we had leftovers from last night so I needn't worry myself with preparing dinner, there's enough for everyone to eat, and as it turns out I am not particularly hungry. I don't actually ever worry about dinner lately, unless if I want to prepare something special, Soprano usually makes dinner while I sort out everything else, WINNING. Also on the weekends that I work, I come home to a cooked meal and a glass of wine, another WIN.

The reason we are all subjected to all this torment is because I don't have a helper anymore, somewhere in between the course of us working together she thought that I was her employee, don't know when did that role reversal happen, or when the wires got crossed but quite frankly I wasn't happy with the arrangement. I won’t lie life would be a lot easier with a helper but I would rather have peace of mind and a messy home any day than a clean home that comes with a helper with a bad attitude . My OCD will just have to be strong and deal shem. I am not averse to the idea of getting a helper, I am just going to pray about it for a couple of weeks and ask God to please send me someone who will stay in their lane, can’t be constantly up in arms with someone who is supposedly helping me…so for now I just have to deal.

The house is not always in this state as my work days are flexible, actually its rarely like this, despite the fact that there’s an unruly soon to be 2yrs old and an opinionated 4 ½yr old roaming around, otherwise I would have lost my mind a long time ago. I cannot function in clutter, I need everything in its place marked, labelled and facing the right way, but since I have them and their darling father I don’t always get my way, so I find myself most of the time. As luck would have it  I don’t work Monday to Friday thank the Lord, so I am able to be home some days during the week and just sort everything out and the kids are at school, so that’s like vacation time for me.

The house was finally clean, laundry drying on the rail, kids sticky free and  already sleeping.Even though my energy levels were totally depleted and we didn’t  run the day off like we had planned, we still found some other ways to sweat it out, now that’s the kind of mess I don’t mind J, the kind of mess that makes for very HAPPY and relaxed parents, and that my friends is the true definiton of …WINNING!!!

 

ITS ALL ABOUT YOUR NEEDS AND WANTS...NOTHING ELSE!

Its about that time of the year again when we look to the future with starry eyes, so optimistic about what the New Year is bringing #BLEH.Who still has time and energy to come up with a list of things theydont wanna give up? Frankly I am tired of lying to myself.I mean we tend to focus too much on what we want to do next year instead of tomorrow, cause that's really what New year is at this point tomorrow. We draw up lists of things we have zero intentions of ever working through or towards because that's what everyone else seems to be doing, so you don't want to be the odd one out who seems not to have a future "PLAN" now you carrying this burden into the New Year of other peoples expectations. STOP,Don't do that to yourself, so much time has been wasted trying to keep up, duplicate, mimick, be like other people. ENOUGH!

So now establish what your needs and wants are,what I want and need in my life may be what you dont even think or dream about, which is fine, your needs and wants represent you. If you have to put a time frame to working on them (BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO), but make sure that they are in accordance with  1.who you are currently, at this point in time( state of mind, emotional health, well being) 2.determine what you are capable of doing now (strengths, resources,abilities). Its always easier to work on things that don't require things that are outside of you first(money, other people), find the most realistic, simplest and easiest way(s) of reaching your goal(s). Its important though to take note of all the things that you achieved this year that you were not even thinking about/planning, all the things that "sort of happened", the little changes you have seen in yourself, the progress you have made with issues you used to struggle with. Those are the thing that matter, the things we ought to look to instead of trying to fit into a mould.

At the end of the day " you can plan a pretty picnic but you cant predict the weather"
 you don't have to have all the answers (be like Sway) LOL... Allow yourself to live, dream, be bold in who you are, who knows what will happen then. Last but not least be merry, toast to your dreams ( the ridiculous ones that others don't know about)  usher in the New Year being happy, forget about everything else that is not as it should and celebrate what is. Happy New Year peeps!!! Be safe.

Trying to escape...

Very few things in life make sense, and the ones that don’t usually stay with us longer than they should. As they linger on in our hearts and minds they bring forth the innermost feelings we go out of our way to hide from the world but most importantly ourselves. The hardest thing in the world is being confronted with a truth you thought ceased to exist or affected you no more; the realization of it alone is enough to have you riddled with fear. I have come to realize and understand that every person has their own truth to live, and no matter how hard you try to avoid it or masquerade it with feelings of indifference it will always be there waiting for you to face it and own up to it someday.

As humans we are flawed and fallible and at the best of times the biggest cowards walking the earth, we go out of our way to find mood shifters that will have us in a stupor if that meant having to go another day without facing ourselves, our truth, our reality. I won’t pretend to be the biggest fan of reality, in fact there are times I have felt like checking out and just exiting and letting this life thing happen to me and not try and fight back, But if I was to put everything in perspective I really don’t want to escape anything. I want to go through life, face it and know that I have overcome something’s that I thought will be walls that will prevent me from growing but instead turned out to be bumps along the way. Reality is that smack on the face you receive when you think life is going to embrace with you with a hug and a kiss, painful as it may be it heals eventually and all that you are left with is the memory of all that happened to you.The thing with memories is that they soon fade they don’t linger on for decades unless if they are triggered by something, but when that happens  the thoughts aren’t usually as painful as the event was once upon a time.One has somehow healed, accepted and simply carried on with life.

I guess it’s true when they say it’s not really about what happens to you but rather how you respond to it, one’s attitude is key in determining whether you sink or swim because at the end of the day everything happens to everyone...as humans we just like to think that somehow God/ the universe or whatever force is out there is picking on us, we really not that special. I suppose the real question is how does one go on, how do you tackle everyday realities that leave many paralyzed with fear, dismay and low morale and still have a smile on your face or at most a positive attitude? How do you look towards a future that is not really guaranteed with hope? Well I don’t really have the answer to that because truth of the matter is as people we believe and trust in different things, and what I believe in might not necessarily be what gives you comfort at night when you can’t sleep and are smothered by nightmares.

What I do know for sure is that feeling sorry for yourself doesn't get anyone anywhere,one has to have a handle on their thoughts, actions, behavior and attitude towards life that's the only way to survive. There will always be something that happens that throws you off balance or totally decapitates you, adaptation and survival is key for making it to the next day still intact, bruised but still intact. This is why it’s so important for all of us to know who we truly are, to understand our own complexities and shortcomings and be able to handle them whenever life throws us a curve ball. Nobody ever said survival was easy but running away from yourself isn’t going to help much either, it’s a futile exercise as you can never really escape yourself, you are constantly around the clock with yourself. You have to live with who and what you are, when the circus packs up and  leaves town,when the music stops and reality pats you on the back it will be YOU  right there in the mist of it all, and so will your truth asking for some quality time. That’s the thing about the truth it has lasting power and endurance, lies are the only things that have a short life span more so the ones we tell ourselves. They can only comfort us for a little while even then the truth is always there in the background waiting, however long, it will wait for its acknowledgement. Delaying it can never deny its existence!