THE BIG 30...

So what is supposed to happen when 30 is a few months away and you haven't done any of the things that you supposedly should have done by the time you reach that age? 

What happens when your life didn't follow the plan as set out by people you don't know and will never meet?
What started this train of though was an article I read on “THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU TURN THE BIG 30" I am not going to go over those things cause for me they are just ridiculous, So what happens after 30, do you now start counting the days to your demise? Life is complex enough as  it is without there being lists of things that label you a “loser”…I mean we are not of the same tree, how then can the fruit we bear be the same? how can our journey be the same when our path is not the same? why are there comparisons when even life doesn't deal us the same cards?

This also reminded me of how I always hear that “every girl” dreamt about their Matric farewell, how they plan for the day from Grade 8 and  how everything has to be perfect, the dress, the hair, makeup, shoes etc. This was news for me hey, I didn't know every girl did this, hell I wore pants and a cocktail top to my farewell dance cause a fluffy dress was just not practical for me. I wanted to get clothes I will be able to wear again when I want to, not a dress that is going to sit in the cupboard gathering dust. That’s more sensible right? right!

 I remember I told my friend that’s what I wanted to wear and she thought I was kidding, I  told my mom my plans and she was horrified and as I result my dad took me shopping, my mom tried to sway me saying how I’m not going to be half as beautiful as I would be if I were to wear a dress. Well I would be beautiful for me, right? And for me that’s all that’s mattered.

 The same thing happened when I decide 6 years ago to stop relaxing my hair, my mom was horrified to say the least  and I was adamant , I was done with burning my scalp and getting rid of the “growth” every time it reared its ugly head….LOL  The way I would get into a state when there was growth and my mom didn't have money for me to go to the salon so that I can get my hair fluffy and soft, man I would panic and for that whole week I would wear it in a bun. Hide the horror, such silliness. What was ironic is that my mom is not even into hair extensions and make up, so I didn't quite understand why she tried to talk me out of going back to being natural…ooor it could be the whole natural hair is hard to manage, looks messy …blah…blah…blah.. (check display to prove that is  lie)
Maybe I am the way that I am because I grew up with 3 brothers, this is why I wasn't dreaming of matric farewells or weddings pallets, I don’t even have scrap books be it on paper or committed to memory of things I have always wanted ( that are material ) since I was  a lil girl… I have always loved reading and I still do and since I prefer to express myself through writing, especially emotional matters, writing is my second love. All these other things are foreign to me.

OK  back to the topic at hand, being frantic about  growing old , not having 1…2…3 and whatever the hell else, do all these other things matter when your life didn't turn out how you would have liked but better cause you would have never imagined this (whatever this is for you) for yourself? Do you not celebrate all your other achievements and victories whilst still in pursuit of whatever else is out there for you to discover, isn't that what living is? So you have “all” that you want except for the IT things on other peoples list, and  when you lie awake at night taking stock and giving thanks, all those other things you don’t even think about cause they just not for you…

This is the year I turn the big 30...(insert dramatic music) What big 30? its the duuurty 30's ...I can truly say I have never looked and felt better (again check displayed  pic for confirmation)  for me the build up to my 30’s has been IT, when you begin understanding yourself a bit more, when you look in the mirror and you see all that makes you beautiful and everything else in between... you don’t notice the flaws first like you used to earlier on in your teens and early twenties, you have grown to love that mole, those freckles cause hey they are you.

Among other things having peace in your life is of outmost importance to you, and you consciously choose people you want to have in your space, and disregard anything and everyone that has you questioning what you know in your heart to be your truth, the journey has been IT for me, the experiences, the gift of life…everything else is just secondary. So if you happen to find yourself gasping for air cause you turning 30…35...45..Just remember it could have been worse, unlike some you are able to celebrate .

Its all love…

ITS ALL ABOUT YOUR NEEDS AND WANTS...NOTHING ELSE!

Its about that time of the year again when we look to the future with starry eyes, so optimistic about what the New Year is bringing #BLEH.Who still has time and energy to come up with a list of things theydont wanna give up? Frankly I am tired of lying to myself.I mean we tend to focus too much on what we want to do next year instead of tomorrow, cause that's really what New year is at this point tomorrow. We draw up lists of things we have zero intentions of ever working through or towards because that's what everyone else seems to be doing, so you don't want to be the odd one out who seems not to have a future "PLAN" now you carrying this burden into the New Year of other peoples expectations. STOP,Don't do that to yourself, so much time has been wasted trying to keep up, duplicate, mimick, be like other people. ENOUGH!

So now establish what your needs and wants are,what I want and need in my life may be what you dont even think or dream about, which is fine, your needs and wants represent you. If you have to put a time frame to working on them (BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO), but make sure that they are in accordance with  1.who you are currently, at this point in time( state of mind, emotional health, well being) 2.determine what you are capable of doing now (strengths, resources,abilities). Its always easier to work on things that don't require things that are outside of you first(money, other people), find the most realistic, simplest and easiest way(s) of reaching your goal(s). Its important though to take note of all the things that you achieved this year that you were not even thinking about/planning, all the things that "sort of happened", the little changes you have seen in yourself, the progress you have made with issues you used to struggle with. Those are the thing that matter, the things we ought to look to instead of trying to fit into a mould.

At the end of the day " you can plan a pretty picnic but you cant predict the weather"
 you don't have to have all the answers (be like Sway) LOL... Allow yourself to live, dream, be bold in who you are, who knows what will happen then. Last but not least be merry, toast to your dreams ( the ridiculous ones that others don't know about)  usher in the New Year being happy, forget about everything else that is not as it should and celebrate what is. Happy New Year peeps!!! Be safe.

Trying to escape...

Very few things in life make sense, and the ones that don’t usually stay with us longer than they should. As they linger on in our hearts and minds they bring forth the innermost feelings we go out of our way to hide from the world but most importantly ourselves. The hardest thing in the world is being confronted with a truth you thought ceased to exist or affected you no more; the realization of it alone is enough to have you riddled with fear. I have come to realize and understand that every person has their own truth to live, and no matter how hard you try to avoid it or masquerade it with feelings of indifference it will always be there waiting for you to face it and own up to it someday.

As humans we are flawed and fallible and at the best of times the biggest cowards walking the earth, we go out of our way to find mood shifters that will have us in a stupor if that meant having to go another day without facing ourselves, our truth, our reality. I won’t pretend to be the biggest fan of reality, in fact there are times I have felt like checking out and just exiting and letting this life thing happen to me and not try and fight back, But if I was to put everything in perspective I really don’t want to escape anything. I want to go through life, face it and know that I have overcome something’s that I thought will be walls that will prevent me from growing but instead turned out to be bumps along the way. Reality is that smack on the face you receive when you think life is going to embrace with you with a hug and a kiss, painful as it may be it heals eventually and all that you are left with is the memory of all that happened to you.The thing with memories is that they soon fade they don’t linger on for decades unless if they are triggered by something, but when that happens  the thoughts aren’t usually as painful as the event was once upon a time.One has somehow healed, accepted and simply carried on with life.

I guess it’s true when they say it’s not really about what happens to you but rather how you respond to it, one’s attitude is key in determining whether you sink or swim because at the end of the day everything happens to everyone...as humans we just like to think that somehow God/ the universe or whatever force is out there is picking on us, we really not that special. I suppose the real question is how does one go on, how do you tackle everyday realities that leave many paralyzed with fear, dismay and low morale and still have a smile on your face or at most a positive attitude? How do you look towards a future that is not really guaranteed with hope? Well I don’t really have the answer to that because truth of the matter is as people we believe and trust in different things, and what I believe in might not necessarily be what gives you comfort at night when you can’t sleep and are smothered by nightmares.

What I do know for sure is that feeling sorry for yourself doesn't get anyone anywhere,one has to have a handle on their thoughts, actions, behavior and attitude towards life that's the only way to survive. There will always be something that happens that throws you off balance or totally decapitates you, adaptation and survival is key for making it to the next day still intact, bruised but still intact. This is why it’s so important for all of us to know who we truly are, to understand our own complexities and shortcomings and be able to handle them whenever life throws us a curve ball. Nobody ever said survival was easy but running away from yourself isn’t going to help much either, it’s a futile exercise as you can never really escape yourself, you are constantly around the clock with yourself. You have to live with who and what you are, when the circus packs up and  leaves town,when the music stops and reality pats you on the back it will be YOU  right there in the mist of it all, and so will your truth asking for some quality time. That’s the thing about the truth it has lasting power and endurance, lies are the only things that have a short life span more so the ones we tell ourselves. They can only comfort us for a little while even then the truth is always there in the background waiting, however long, it will wait for its acknowledgement. Delaying it can never deny its existence!

Let me in...

Can't you hear me knocking or should i break this door down?

 I have been out here in the cold awaiting your warm embrace. 

Your resistance is starting to tick me off, I can't for the life of me understand why you are doing this. 

You know how I love company but here you are refusing to open up to me.

 I have been at this door knocking hysterically, pleading to be let in but in the cold I remain.

Why wont you let me in...

I keep changing faces, transforming,evolving so you may not recognize me...cause then you would flee.

My patience is wearing thin and if I don't feed off of your energy soon, I may never have a hold on you again. You may start to welcome in that joy and happiness crap, we cant have that now can we?!

I'm lusting after that weak spirit of happiness that lies within you, 

that you hardly ever embrace because you and I are best of friends.

So what if I bring along baggage with each visit?

 Surely by now you have learned to deal and cope with all that us being friends and all...

The hate that harbors in the hearts of those that let me in, like the stench of rotting meat I linger on

Ensuring that nothing but worrying, pain and misery live there, you know I never come alone. 

The turmoil that follows soon after always puts a smirk on my face,its like icing on the cake really.

There's nothing like the comfort of a lonely spirit, where hope has departed and negativity reigns,

no amount of make up can disguise that sadness, it always pierces through.

As the hairs on the back of your neck raises and everything is in disarray I am gratified.

Anything to kill the silver lining try to bring some golden moments into your world.

If I allow that to happen soon after you will be floating on clouds and being all grateful and appreciative.

The thought of that alone sends shivers down my spine...oh wait I'm spineless, but you get the idea.

Come on just let me in... its starting to feel lonely out here, I need your acknowledgement.

Don't be put off by the baggage I bring, lets keep each other company.Nobody wants to be lonely, please just let me in that's all I ask. Let me in