MOMMY I'M SORE...

 Nothing sends shivers down my spine than hearing my daughter utter those words, immediately my stomach will be in knots and I will jump up to find out what made her sore, only to find out that she scrapped her knee or something minor like that. The reality is that somewhere in South Africa there is a child that cried like that to their parent, only it wasn't just a scrapped knee, they had been violated and by someone they probably knew and trusted, someone they never envisioned would ever harm them. We live in a society where a week won’t go by and one doesn't hear about how a little girl was raped and murdered, quite frankly we live in hell. This had me thinking how does a parent begin to teach their child about rape, how does one “rape-proof” their child against the monsters that are lurking out there but happen to have friendly faces?

As a parent we have the daunting task and responsibility of teaching our kids about sex, what it is biologically, why people have it, the effects it has on people emotionally.Teaching them in a manner that lets them know that sex is not a shameful thing. It is natural act two adults can enjoy when they both consent to it. When you have successfully done this and your child has understanding to a point of what sex is and where babies come from, you now have to explain rape to them.

 There is no set profiling that one can use currently to warn kids against perpetrators, it can be anyone, there aren't any signs to really look out for, as we have seen in recent news, the profile of the perpetrator changes every time, even kids as young as 7 are raping their peers. My mind cannot begin to fathom how that is even possible, not just the act but what would cause a child to resort to such, what is happening in their world?  You now have to teach your kids to be weary of anyone, keep a safe distance, because it’s not just their peers who are possible perpetrators but  people they trust and love too(relatives/family members) as well as  people who are supposed to come to their defense and protect them (police, teachers ,priests). Where do you start, how do you make a child understand all this without messing with their mind? Who should they trust when “everyone” is basically suspect?

 As much as we would like, we cannot always be there hovering over our kids, ensuring that no harm befalls them, they have to go outside and play with their friends, be kids, and locking them in the house is not a solution. We are now forced to live in paranoia just to be “safe”. I cannot even begin to imagine the outrage, disbelief, pain and guilt a parent feels when something as horrendous as this happens to their child. How do you first of all explain WHY this happened, WHAT did they do to deserve such brutality? How does one “normalize” their world once more after such an act has been committed against them, how do you begin to heal when you want vengeance?

When I was a child I didn't understand when I used to hear people say the world is a cruel, cold place to live in, I believed it was an exaggeration of sorts said by people who only focus on what’s negative, but the truth of the matter is that it is not, the violence is not out there somewhere and the perpetrators are not somewhere lurking where they can’t find us, they are living among us, with us, riding in the same buses, trains and taxis as us, watching our every move. The tragic part is having to explain this to kids, who are naturally trusting, we have to explain to them, things we don’t even understand ourselves, I don’t know why there are people who rape, we have been told it’s a power thing, it’s not entirely about the sex. There are just so many variables to it, what breaks my heart is that as a parent I have to start the process of “eroding” my child’s innocence for her own good, telling her there are bad people out there who may have intentions of bringing harm to her, for reasons I don’t know or understand myself. This is what  these monsters have done, they have us doing their dirty work, because they never explain themselves or take accountability for their actions, now we have to lose our minds trying to make sense of why did (they do) what they did. we have to account for them.

I am all for teaching kids that life is not all about sunshine and rainbows sometimes bad things happen beyond our control ,I'm all about teaching them to take care of themselves and to be careful when playing not to hurt themselves (break their arm) or others. But I am not for teaching kids to be careful not to get raped whilst out playing, unfortunately my hands are tied with this one as we live in violent societies , where communicating such with your kids is the responsible thing to do, every parent has to now  “rape-proof” their child. 

The HOW part is what seems to escape me at this point, how do I begin to explain something I don’t understand myself?! How do I tell her that there are people who have no understanding of what the word NO means, and such people will most probably not heed her plea for mercy, where do I begin?. As a woman I live my life trying not to be a victim of a violent crime, so far it hasn't happened, but  for how long will I be so “lucky” I have no idea I haven’t “brought’ any harm unto myself? That’s what we are teaching our kids isn't it, it’s their responsibility to ensure their safety, and if it happens that they are victimized, THEY dropped the ball, “they allowed” the crime to happen. This is the burden the weak and defenseless carry, until when I ask, until when? When will the guilty be held accountable ad persecuted without us first making excuses for them? Until such a time comes, the onus is on you!

WOMAN vs FOOD... fighting the BULGE!

You shout in frustration I swear to God if I have to tuck this tummy into my jeans one more time I’m going to scream, pull my hair, lose my mind or die, gosh I can’t deal. Funny thing is the frustration is not enough to make you do anything about this flabby chunk of skin you hate, you have actually found ways to deal with it, and you buy clothes to accommodate it. You just hate saying how much it frustrates you so that other people know that you “can’t stand it”, and you are “trying “to do something about it, even if you are not. I am yet to hear someone say I swear to God if I have to jump up and down like this , just so I can button these pants without passing out I swear, I’m going to start running, I’m going to work out, I’m going to watch what I eat... I have never. We just love being frustrated I suppose that is enough effort.

 Then there’s those women who don’t work out, because they have “accepted their curves” they love themselves as they are, who are you kidding honey?! Well we are all curvy one way or the other, just in different places. Curves as I understand are boobs, hips and booty, that’s what people refer to when they talk about curves.  A bulging tummy is NOT a curve, it is excess skin that shouldn't be there, because it messes the beautiful female form, it hides your waist, which is one of the defining features a woman has.

To a point I know how it is having a big tummy, if pregnancy is anything to go by, it’s uncomfortable, and finding flattering clothes that highlight your other features whilst hiding the big tummy is a mission. I know having a tummy and being pregnant are two different things but its close enough, as some women don’t lose the pregnancy look years after the baby has been born, the baby fat remains. We will all hear about how she wasn't always this big, it’s the baby, 5 years down the line, Proof that we all hate the bulge. Question is then why do we choose to go on crash diets, skip meals, wear body suits that promise to accentuate our best features whilst hiding the bulging parts we don’t want everyone else to see?! Why do we go through all that drama,why fake a flat stomach and a toned booty? Well you may fake it during the day but at night you have to deal with your true self as you are, you will have to undress and let everything loose, you have to breathe after all, and those things can be unkind on your diaphragm. Why do we delay the process with contraptions that waste our time, instead of just dedicating two years of our lives to health and fitness, two years not 3 months? 

Then when you see a woman who has form and definition(from working out) you don’t have to detest how she looks, well because,  she unlike you is lucky, you look the way that you do due to your genes, you are big boned (no such thing). You quickly forget about your love for cupcakes and creamy doughnuts, how you can’t resist bacon slap chips, besides why should you stop eating what you love just because it’s apparently  not healthy for you? Why should you care about the snide remarks some people make about your weight, you are not bothered (even though you lash out)you love yourself and you have accepted who you are flaws and all…and if you really wanted to lose the weight you can do it anytime. Yeah right!

It is said that a 6 pack is made in the kitchen, which simply means you can work out all you want if you are not going to change what you eat, good luck reducing that waistline. I know that we don’t all have aspirations of having a 6 pack, but I do know for certain if someone was to tell us about a pill that you take for a week and it dissolves your tummy, there will no stock left on the shelves, because we know as women that a flabby tummy is not only unflattering it is also uncomfortable.  The majority of  us women do not want to exercise to achieve a flat tummy, if the money allows it we will even go under the knife, if only they didint leave all that excess, undesirable skin behind.

Wanting to look good is not about being attractive to the next person, being attractive is subjective and its differs from person to person, this is why you have to do it for yourself so that even if the object of your attraction leaves you don’t fall off the wagon, you continue looking after your body and doing what is best for it. Exercising is NOT easy to say the least, it takes commitment. You first have to convince your mind to get on board with the idea of straining your body just to have it looking a certain way.  Then you are have to watch what you eat, you have to make sure you don't consume more than you burn off, to avoid sugar and above all have limits. Know your body, do not over indulge. This is a total change in lifestyle, you now have to change your relationship with food, what it means to you, establish why do you eat more than you have to,  how you relate to food, this differs for every woman. Do you eat only for nourishment, and indulge every now and then, do you eat when you are bored to pass time, or do you eat to deal with stress and whatever emotional/personal issue? Know yourself .Therapists often say an addiction to food is one of the hardest and most challenging to overcome, because unlike alcohol and drugs we NEED to eat, we cannot live without food, basic need and all that. It won’t be easy know this, even people with petite physiques have to work their butts off if they want chiseled ABS, so why do you want it to be easy for you? 

I  personally I work out for health reasons, I don’t want to be dealing with chronic illnesses in my 40’s that seem to be the norm with our people, if I din inherit it from my parents I don't want to attain it on my own. So I would rather deal with the stress now in my 20’s than live a Eina, Eina life later on. After all it is said life begins at 40, so my body has to be on form so that I can enjoy every bit of it, keep up with my girls and not be out of breath after going up a flight of stairs, and I just hate how a flabby stomach looks, that's what motivates me. Best of luck to you, it can be done just remember you just need 2 years, don’t rush it , be kind to yourself... Maybe in two years I will have a 6 pack myself , here's to us.... 

It’s all love…

People are NOT God.

Where do I even begin with this, the beginning is always good I suppose and no I don't just mean Genesis. You can calm down this is not a piece about me trying to convince you to believe in a God who doesn't exist, for this purpose he exists for me(he has always existed) It is also not about Kanye :) *shrugs*. It is said that we are made in his(God) image, we are like him right?! So is that only like a physical(looks) thing or do we also embody his personality and attributes? It is said that God loves us because of who he is, not because of our works(what we do/don't do), that way we cant go around boasting and saying "I did this, therefore, God loves me more than you".  See its my understanding that he knew that its one of the flaws we human beings have, bragging; but were do we get that from we are made in his image aren't we? So aren't we being like him?!  See where I'm going with this, or is IT one of the things we picked up along the way towards adulthood, anyway, lets move on.

With humans its different, you have to do certain things, be a certain way for someone to love you, you have to appease them and if you fall short, well you can kiss that love goodbye. Humans don't love because they are loving beings, they love for selfish reasons, well most of the do, actually the majority do, and the few that actually love because they are loving people, no one talks about it (them) or even believes it. We will actually go out of way to discredit such, to look down on it and even call the person delusional. We were taught to be suspicious, to always look for faults even when there's no need, to punish just so we can establish if the person was sincere all along or if they were just taking us for a ride. I read somewhere once that if you want to experience true love as a person , you should have a baby, WHAT? Yes, babies/kids know what true unconditional love is. When I first read this it went over my head cause I was just thinking about it superficially, I didn't seek clarity first, cause that means then I wanted to understand and at the time that wasn't my objective, I wanted to discredit it, because it just sounded crazy to me, first of all what to babies/kids know about love.

We assume as parents/adults twe teach kids how to love, which is not the case.For those of you who don't have kids let me explain, since I have kids. Children are born loving, they do not bear any grudges, they allow themselves to express every emotion they feel as it happens, if they are angry with you trust me they will tell you all about it, they will call you out on what you did, and even tell you to ask for forgiveness, so that the two of you can move on with life. They understand that love cannot be expressed in a place of hurt, when you are in pain, that becomes your centre of focus, you divert from your true nature, which is to be loving, so once you deal with the hurt you can go back to being your true self, amazing isn't it?! If you happen to cause them to cry and they walk away from you,the minute you call them they will come with their arms stretched out,embracing you, the same person who caused them pain, now tell me is that how you would act if someone angered you?. Situations or events don't dictate their love for their parents  (caretakers), just because they feel a certain way or they do not like what you did they do not hold that against you and now start rationing their love towards you, they deal with issues as they arise. Soon as that incident is over, they have moved on, they will be laughing and giggling as though  they were not crying a few seconds ago, and I can reassure you this is no fake laughter that is masked by resentment, it is from their hearts, sincere and filled with love

Even parents don't have this kind (cause they were taught by adults before them, to shun love)of love otherwise we wouldn't have cases were parents have disowned their kids, because the kid refused to be who or what their parent was modeling them to be from infancy,they decided to be true to the image they were created as, not the remodeled version . The older we become the  increasingly self serving we get, we use our love as a bargaining tool, we use it as bait, to hurt others,we have long diverted from the image we were made in. Deep in our hearts we know what love is, because we are love you see just like God , because God is love, its the tapestry that holds all the loose and flawed ends that make us who we are together. So depending on what we think about love at any given moment, when we feel it we start to question and rationalize it in our heads why this cant be it, we use what we have been taught by misguided adults and friends as a reference point, instead of going on what we know deep within to be true. People who are true to themselves are called crazy by the world, because they ARE, they are crazy enough to birth what dwells within them, to stay true to the image they were created in, that means they trust their intuition (God) and they are true to it and in-tune with it, and that is the one thing we have been taught to doubt. I suppose we have to make room for regret and remorse right?! Things that would be non-existent had we remained true to our Godly nature, part of what makes this being human ride all that annoyingly fun, and we have to fit in and not stick out among others, cause we want to be accepted and all that right???.


Its all love...