I love this...

I saw this on the net and I just thought its one of the simplest things I have ever read, that bear a powerful message. A lot of times we don't realize the impact of our words or our behaviour when we deal with our loved ones, this is why we have to always check ourselves, are we acting in love, or are our actions hateful?! A lot of times we get too caught up in ourselves and in what we want, that we lose sight of what matters, we teach people lessons we don't want them to learn and end up representatives of the very things we hate.


So the next time you need or have something to say to someone, check yourself, your tone, your body language and your words. Always act from a place of love, at least try.

Its all love...

Love oh love, is it really that elusive or it just people who are complicated? I have always been a lover of  love whether I was in love or not, I think and believe that it is beautiful and when it is with the right person, it can be the most nurturing and fulfilling experience in the world. As we get older we realize that love isn't so much material things that a person gives you, like one thought during our teen years, there is more to it than that. There is a lot of responsibility that comes with love, and the minute you utter those words to someone you should be aware that there are certain things that are going to be expected of you.

I have personally learned a lot through loving and being loved, I have learned that the times I thought I was being loving , I was actually selfish and self-involved, thinking only of what I wanted , how I felt and what I wasn't willing to do . I have matured since then and I am continuing to, and for that I feel blessed, a lot of things are really a case of making a decision and sticking to it, realizing that when you are content with who you are, it becomes easier for you to share who you are with those that you love. I was chatting to one of my friends and she was telling me how she has given up on love, "its more trouble than it’s worth", she is done, clearly relationships aren't for her.

Well I personally thought she was being extreme, but I can’t really judge that, I don’t really know what she has been through and what her experiences were so I can’t really have an opinion. I can only share with her what I believe, it doesn't mean what I’m saying is right, it is just my experiences. I feel that a lot of times as women we are judged unfairly, you will hear women saying that “you don’t need a man in your life; you can make it on your own”. The same women will turn around and pity you for not having a man, “what could possibly be wrong with you, that you can keep a man?!” we judge each other so harshly and we lack understanding, we are quick to condemn and name call before we seek understanding, which is really sad. When you have reached a certain age and you don’t have a ring on your finger, it’s a shock to others, you can be successful and capable, but there will always be people that feel you are going out of your way to convince the world that you are happy.

I know that there are people who are evolved and deal with an individual on a one on one basis, they don’t have preconceived notions of what happiness, love, and a family should be. They understand that we live in a world where people make rules that suit them that they are comfortable with, and they take it from there. A lot of times we give up in the things we really want cause someone had an opinion bout us that didn't sit well with us, and we decided to alter our beliefs so that we don’t get judged. I believe the saddest thing a person can ever do is to give up on love, because I believe when you say that you are just lying to yourself. We all want to be part of something larger than life, that make us lose ourselves and be fearless, believing that anything is possible, all you have to do is to believe it and try it, give it your all and see what happens.

Life doesn't happen the same way to all of us, the same with love, we experience it at different stages in our lives, for others it seems to come by easily and for others it’s a struggle. This by no means that there are people who don’t deserve to experience love, and people who think or believe that there is a blueprint for this kind of thing are closed minded. We may travel the same road but our paths are different, we have similarities but we are not pushed by the same things, we are after all individuals, who wish to find someone that will encourage us to speak our minds, be bold, conquer the world without fear of rejection. Love is beautiful, I love it, may be I’m just a hopeless romantic, but that’s what we are made of, at the core of our souls we are love.

 Its all love…

You must learn to say thank you...

 We have all heard this before, how we must learn to be appreciative of others not only that but express it to them as well. Ideally we should all  be grateful, seeking things in our daily lives that we are most grateful about, big or small. Focusing only on what is positive and fulfilling and not fretting over things/ people we have no control over. Realizing when we have won (personal struggles), and not continuing to fight even though victory is ours. Sometimes we don’t even realize when we have reached certain milestones, because we never pause long enough to take in the goodness and immense ourselves in it.

 I also believe that this is very important for any and every relationship to work, whether it’s between friends, lovers or a parent and their child. We cannot just assume that someone knows that they are loved and appreciated; we need to affirm it to them, so that they may continue to be great and not get discouraged. As people we have an innate need to impress, especially to people that mean the world to us, and when our loved ones, recognize our efforts, nothing is more valuable. It also teaches us not to be selfish and self-involved, assuming that we are doing it on our own, when there are people who are contributing to us achieving our goals and making a success of our varied endeavours.

I have decided to consciously be aware of all the goodness that surrounds me, to acknowledge all the wonderful people God has blessed me with , and to not just think it but to share it with them as well. Even the most insignificant thing, can brighten up someone’s day,change their view of the world and whatever negative thoughts and feelings they may have concluded about people. You can never truly know how heartfelt your thank you will be appreciated by someone unless you say it, don't over think it just do it. That's how we sometimes mess up, we over think too much, and end up not doing what we had intended.

If you wake up each day appreciative of the fact that you had a good night sleep and you take it from there, there is very little that can happen that will set you off and put you in a bad mood, that is not to say life won’t happen , it always does. There are also all the negative voices that talk down on anything positive that you may be intending on doing, they too will always be there, don’t fret, just learn how to quiet and eventually silence them. This is why we have to be conscious in our daily lives, be present and aware; experience every rhythm, sensation feeling, so that nothing ever catches us off guard. Take each day as it comes, take in every lesson it brings with it, discard whatever negative feeling/issue/person that doesn't serve you or contribute to your overall wellbeing and continue being grateful.

I’m thankful for today and that I was able to share this with all of you, thankful that God continues to show himself in this life he has blessed me with, he remains faithful. Thankful for my family their support that encourages me and their unconditional love that reassures me and strengthens me when I’m weary and overwhelmed. They keep me grounded. I am thankful for what is and what is still to come.

Its all love…

Dream killers.

Everyone either knows one of those, or has at one time in their life encountered a dream killer. Someone that will go out of their way to either directly or indirectly crush your spirit or to pee on your dreams cause they have given up on themselves.One may ask how does a person continue living if they no longer dream, or believe they could ever amount to more than what they already are, how to you live each day knowing that there is something that you really what to pursue but you have somehow convinced yourself that not having it is OK?! It is true that life can get very discouraging , especially if things don't seem to be going your way after countless efforts, but does that mean you are allowed to give up and then attack anyone that still believes in the beauty of their dreams?!

I am of the notion that if you have a loser mentality, you do not want anyone else around you to be successful, the mere fact that they are pursuing their dreams rattles you and your rather comfortable and delusional world. Being a loser has nothing to do with your current socioeconomic status, but rather how you view yourself, what you think you are capable of doing and whether or not you believe in your dreams and abilities. If you don't believe that you will ever amount to more than what you currently are, in my books you are a loser. You have given up on yourself , and that is the worst thing that a person can ever do. The way the world works we have to first believe in ourselves and than get everyone else on board  and the people who already believe in themselves and have achieved greatness, will help you realize your capabilities if you fall short of seeing them either for good intentions or to exploit you.

 One of the worst things a person will ever have to  live with is regret, regret and fear. Knowing that you didn't believe in yourself enough to risk it, to try the impossible, to be daring, to just throw caution to the wind and just go for it. The sad thing is that most people that end up being dream killers, aren't even aware that, that is who and what they are, they have done it for so long that to them, its just like breathing, second nature.Even if you were to enlighten them and show them the errors of their ways, they will give you a hundred and one excuses of why they are not taking risks or pursuing their dreams. It is said that with paying bills and dealing with the hassles of daily living, dreaming ceases to exist. I personally do not believe that, for as long as you have a goal in mind, breath in your nostrils and belief in yourself there isn't anything that you will not be able to achieve. That dream you have could be the only thing keeping you from going off the rails.

 All that you have to do is to block out the noise, soldier on and know that, it wont be easy but that doesn't mean that you should give up on yourself. Life has a funny way way of switching up, turning the pauper into a rich man, and if you believe in the beauty of your dreams, anything IS possible. Just don't allow what is to cloud what could be, we don't all blossom or break out of cocoons at the same time, but if you keep at it, you will realize your dreams.

Its all love...

Do women look down on men who have slept around?

I can’t say I have ever heard his question being asked before, and if I did I probably don’t remember the answer to it as its not frequently asked. I was listening to the radio the other day and this guy was complaining about how us  women treat men, I know what you are probably thinking but no it wasn't one of those discussions where women are blamed for how men conduct themselves in society. This guy was saying women generally tend to think that men are the same and that they love sex and will do anything for it; basically men will sleep with anything that has a pulse. Well I am a woman and I will admit we have been led to think that way, not our fault though, it’s generally how the male species carries itself and engages with the opposite sex, a lot of men fall into this category that doesn't include all men, but most of them do, unashamedly so .

He was relaying to the listeners how he met a wonderful girl, whom he was intending to get serious with, went out on a date with her, everything was just perfect like it had been scripted somehow, he couldn't have asked for a more relaxed intimate night. Well that was until they ran into one of his “acquaintances”, I say acquaintances because he said he knew the girl, was friendly with her but nothing ever happened between them, and the manner in which he explained how he knew her,it sounded like he hasn't uttered more than 10 words to her. This girl upon seeing the guy with his lady friend literally jumped out of her skin and came over to greet him, she paid no mind to what was happening and decided to impose herself on them, she was so happy to see him that she couldn't help it but get all grabby. The guy of course didn't appreciate all this unwarranted attention he was receiving from the acquaintance as he was happy with the attention his love interest was showering him with, he didn't especially appreciate it as it was sending to the wrong message to his date.

The girl eventually left them alone but not before she told him he should stop being a stranger, and come by for a visit, she misses him, and just like that she managed to throw sand all over that spark that was being ignited, the mood obviously changed after that. Well I don’t know about you but is that something you would say to someone who is just an acquaintance after you just felt them up in front of their date? Maybe, maybe not, all I know is that a person wouldn't just be that familiar with you, unless if you have lead them to believe that it was OK in the past, even so called psychos usually have something to work with that the guy might have said or done, it doesn't matter if he was joking or not, he gave her something that made her believe that they were more than just acquaintances. The date came to an end and they both went their separate ways. At this point the guy was beside himself with anger, he didn't understand how that girl could have acted that way when it was clear as day light that he was on a date, clearly she forgot to read the memo, especially the part where it states acceptable forms of PDA’ S between acquaintances *chuckles*. He further explained how he is a guy who respects himself and he just doesn't sleep around with very woman that looks his way, this is why he hates the insinuation that all men conduct themselves that way,that they are just aching to have sex that they don’t think about repercussions of their said behavior…

He attempted to contact his love interest after that night, and at first she didn't take any of his calls he finally managed to get a hold of her and she told him how she was not interested in men who have turned sleeping around into a sport, who believe that bed hopping is attractive, and give in to their every whim without sparing a thought to think about how their current actions will affect or impact their future ,she is not impressed by such behavior,and she has dealt with that in her life and she knows she doesn't want that type of men messing with her mind, body and heart. She was not interested in him and he should please lose her number, dram is what she stays clear off, and clearly he is marinated in it.. He was mortified to say the least, he wasn't expecting any of that he thought he will be able to explain himself,they will laugh about it and pick up where they left off, but she wasn't budging. The acquaintance had ruined things for him, but was it really the acquaintances fault though? Before you get all excited hear me out, the girl only carried out what had been established between her and the guy, she didn't do anything that they hadn't done before, but now because the guy wasn't willing to go down that route with her, he was insulted by her actions, as he was busy trying to win over the affections of a girl he fancied, anyway... The love interest was clearly not impressed and made no secret of it, she wasn't going to be visited by the “ghost of girlfriends/one night stand/booty call past”, she wanted a man she will be proud to call her own, who other women will be envious of her because of what they share, but if a man has slept around, every woman he has slept with believes they have stake on him and if they wanted to, they can just take him away from you. I'm not saying that's the only time some women think that way, but that is a strong motivating factor.

They know parts of him that you wish only you had knowledge of, and although we don’t live in a perfect world, competing with other women for your man’s affections is not something that interests any woman,not only is it childish its heartbreaking as well.. The thought that there may always be girls who pop up out of the wood works just to let you know that they too have once upon a time rolled in the hay with this man you are tightly holding on to, is enough to drive any woman crazy, and we l know us women can get vicious like that. If you were a play boy/ in your younger days, that stigma will follow you around; it will even form part of your description, that’s what some people will know you as, because once upon a time you conducted yourself that way. This we know to be true for women, we get scrutinized for everything that we do and for some reason we are led to believe that women don’t really care if a guy has slept around, when in actual fact we do, women don’t want to build a future with a man who has no self control and self respect, who is easily tempted and won’t think twice about putting you, him and your future in jeopardy.Our President is proof of this, I don't even need to get into that. Whilst sleeping around might get you the “respect” of other men, it certainly isn't a turn on for women, who value more than just sex and appearances in a relationship, and you sure as hell are not going to get their respect because you are a slave to your desires. Just as all men aren't the same, it’s the same for women there are women who care a lot more about how a man conducts himself than his ability to spend money, because a person’s character is the basis of who they are, it is said if you want to know a man, watch how he conducts himself . Well our guy didn't walk away with the girl, but he did say he won’t stop trying as he really wants her in his life as he believes they can build a future together, and during the course of this process he has learned that you have to put boundaries in place that will not only have people respecting you but also respecting what is yours.People will only respect you if you respect yourself and carry yourself in a respectable manner,respect is after all earned not demanded.

Its all love...

When the friendship just dwindles…

Don’t you just hate it when that happens? It’s Saturday night and I’m relaxing with my glass of wine and watching cartoons, mainly because my lil girl is still up, she has until 9 o'clock then its bedtime, that's modern parenting for you, anyway...  The reason I’m writing this article is because I was missing one of my girlfriends and I wanted to send her a message, then I remembered that for some reason she isn't talking to me. Well I don’t have a lot of friends as I like to keep a close knit of friends that I can rely on, and I know that they will always be there when I need them, I don’t necessarily have to talk to them or see them every day but i still hold them dear to me.

I think we have all went through this where you were once so close to someone that you were inseparable to now turning into total strangers, and one will wonder how could you even allow things to go that far, but here is the thing with me anyway, if I know that there isn't anything that I did that could have upset you, I will go out of my way to engage you, and if upon doing so I find that you are not exactly receptive I will withdraw and leave you alone, if you cannot e adult about things and address me on what you feel was wrong doing n my part, why should i jump through hoops trying to get your attention?!. When whatever has upset you eventually fades away then you will talk to me, cause I really don’t understands if we are all grown with kids and husbands some of us, why are we still acting like kids?! Why do we allow petty emotion to get in the way of what we consider friendship?

Whatever relationship you find yourself in you are going to fight with the people that you love, and your hope is that somehow you will always be able to find your way back to each other; the good times that you share will triumph over the senseless misunderstandings that may occur from time to time. It’s hard to establish meaningful relationships the older we get as we are all set in our ways and no one is willing to compromise who they are or what they believe in just to be able to call someone a friend, then shouldn't the natural thing be compromise?! Well I don’t know how things are going to end up with my girl but I hope that one day we will be able to get over this rift, as I hate misunderstandings and the drama they bring with them.

Few things are true in this world and if you find yourself in a position where you have genuine friends that will be there with you through all the trials and triumphs, then you should consider yourself blessed, genuine people are hard to come by and I am not one of those people who just wants friends for the sake of having them.i want quality people in my life, who will contribute to my growth, I believe that the people that surround you and that you let in to your life should be people that will choose first to do more good than harm, people who won’t just agree with all that you do but will be brave enough to be upfront with you when you are tumbling down the path of self-destruction. People who will be to you what you cannot be to yourself when you are not thinking straight, and you are being stubborn about obvious things. I value quality over quantity anytime and when I am able to recognize that in a friend, it’s a quality a hold dear and treasure with all of me. As I sip on some of this wine and watch Snow White, whilst making sense of everything that is senseless, I realize that sometimes you have to let things take their natural course, space is not such a bad thing as it allows us the opportunity to realize what might have been escaping us all along, well that’s if you are present in your life and are sensitive to all that happens to you and through you. Well let me get back to my wine and Snow White, I am sure there's is something IN there worthy of a piece. *sips on some wine*

 It’s all love…

OCD,CSI and all things weird and crazy

I've been thinking lately about the type of person I am, my personality  all the things that excite, unnerve , annoy and leave me speechless.I know for one that I don't mind spending time alone, in fact I  quite enjoy it, this is when I get to regroup, calm down and do some introspection.I guess what I was really thinking about is why do I like the things that I do and choose not to entertain the rest, what influences my decision making and thought processes? Don't worry I'm not about to go into the whole nature versus nurture debate,as  I believe they both contribute to how we behave as people its just the degrees that differ, one cannot be placed over the other as more important I believe. The one with the most influence will determine your behavior to a certain extent, how you see the world, interpret it and relate to it, lack of exposure to new experiences, more often than most is what puts a person at a disadvantage, and "unable" to function in the world.

OK,  Let me break down the title of this blog; first and foremost  I am a Virgo woman and I know you have heard all sorts of things about us Virgo's , at the top of that list is how we suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder(OCD), we all know what that entails, they say that we are anal retentive, we have a bug stuck up our arses, we are picky and hard to please, all shades of negativity basically, positive qualities are hardly ever mentioned in these things.Well the way I see it there's nothing wrong with knowing what you want , how you want it and when you want it, that way you able to apply yourself and yield positive results.You understand the kind of person you are and you are less likely going to put yourself in situations that will have people disappointing you or not living up to your expectations, all this means that you re considerate as you will never expect someone to be what you cant be to yourself, and not only does being specific save time, it makes life a lot easier, manageable.The world would be a much better place if everyone did what they are supposed to do, when they are expected to do it, I believe that people would be more responsible in their actions. I'm not saying that is all that is required to have balance, there's still egos, stereotypes, fear and insecurities to deal with, the complexities that make up who we are.

 Anyway moving right along, one of the shows I love watching on TV is CSI , let me explain why; I'm fascinated by the human mind, how it works, reasons, justifies and accepts all that it does. with that said I find the criminal mind, insanely interesting, the psychotic behaviors that influence how some people choose to interpret their surroundings behave and relate to others in society. There is always a story within a story right, the fine print, the facts that are present but require probing for them to surface. I have always wanted to know what informs the decision of someone who chooses to go against convention, to not only bend the rules but break them, dismantle them if you may, to separate themselves from accepted forms of behavior within a society and rebel. I want to know why would anyone risk being branded a "monster",is there some sort of intense gratification that us mere mortals are unaware of?!. It is often said that at our core we are animals, everyday of our lives we are in character attempting to be human and appropriate, this is why sometimes we act out and do the most outlandish things that unnerve other humans.So these people that give in and go against he grain,  do they do so knowingly, do they make a conscious decision to attend to their every whim or is the childhood development or lack thereof to blame?! Are the situations that happen to us that can exempt us from taking responsibility for the way we behave, where society understands why you behaved he way that you did without passing  judgement of how you are less of a person than the rest of the world?! So this drama series dabbles on that to some degree, crime solving, understanding the mind of the perpetrator  gathering evidence and putting together pieces of a puzzles you didn't even think would be connected, to solve what seemed like an impossible crime from the beginning.

Seeing something being formed out of nothing right before your very eyes, is beyond words,there's nothing like it, its mind blowing or maybe its just me being weird again but with that said I have learnt that weird is good, creepy on the other hand is what unnerves people.I always get strange looks whenever I share this with people, some automatically assume that I'm "disturbed",how can I be intrigued by such? Trust me that's not how I get my kicks,I'm curious by nature, and I get satisfaction from learning, new information and discovery. I just think that its better to understand different things,situations more so when they relate to behaviour and especially if the behaviour in question differs from your own significantly, that way you are better equipped to deal with it instead of acting like it doesn't exist. We are different as people, we each have our limits, things that give us butterflies and those things that give us cramps; a variety of things capture our interest as individuals I just believe there's nothing sinister with sometimes questioning why we like the things we do and why do we hate the rest that we totally shun them and block them from our minds. Understanding oneself leads to a better understanding of others, and understanding leads to tolerance and open mindedness,learning to handle and deal with opinions that differ from your own, matures you as a person,because you challenge your mind, your belief systems and your understanding of the world. Tolerance and acceptance of different situations and people is what we should all work on, the world would be a lot less violent that way, but most times we choose to assume, because fear governs our thought processes. Baby steps right?!

Its all love...

COUPLED RUNNING...

So I decided to go running with Soprano this morning, this was after he ran and finished the JoziRun yesterday 07.10.2012 ,I felt so motivated that I can also run, he was a novice after all and he did it. So when he woke up and geared up, I joined him, I was confident in my abilities that I will be able to take him on. I’m not exactly a couch potato, I do exercise, so I figured I will be able to run nonstop easy peasy.

It’s amazing what you can achieve as an individual  when you decide to step out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself and test your limits, and when you have someone to share the experience with you it’s even better, makes the process that much more exciting. It’s also impotent for a couple to have shared interests, as individuals we both want to be healthy and keep fit, and the fact that we are being parents as well motivates us further, because we want to be able to keep up with our kids.

 OK back to the story at hand, running on a treadmill or getting on one of those Orbitrek machines like i have been doing, is nothing compared to the abuse your body will endure when you decide to go outside and run, where Mother Nature is right there with all her elements waiting on you. I started off well, kept the pace and managed to keep up with him; it felt easy enough everything just felt n sync that was until we had to do the second lap. Here’s the thing with being human more often that most we tend to either underestimate or overestimate a situation, we all have that misplaced ego that lets us believe that we can achieve anything without putting in any effort, we will even go as far as judging someone who we believe in our eyes is not as capable as we are, and base our victory on that. This is the same arrogance that has people voicing their disappointment when they feel an athlete fell short of achieving greatness, bear in mind the person going on and on like this has never made an attempt to run to the corner, let alone the track. So Mother Nature gave that harsh smack back to reality and boy was I mortified.

The second lap shocked my system, my body couldn't understand what was happening to it, this resulted in my legs feeling heavier and heavier and my lungs failing to get the right amount of oxygen they needed to carry me through. At this point I started to realize that I underestimated Soprano’s fitness level and overestimated my ability to run hassle free. I was mad at myself for listening to my ego and no thinking logically, I mean if running was easy everyone would be running the comrades, those that are concerned with their health anyway. Soprano was just gliding; the only thing missing from his face was a smile jut to show how pleased he is with himself, it was just effortless, from my eyes anyway. As I began to slow down he wanted to slow down and run the same pace as me, but that didn't make any sense to me, and I didn't want him to hear me slobbering like a baby, so I did the decent thing and told him to run ahead, I will catch up eventually, I just need to regroup. Then I will be back on my C game,*sigh*.

 It didn't help much that as I ran my shorts kept going up and now they were starting to feel like underwear,*note to self: run wearing tights* so I decided to power walk, regain my strength then I will continue running again. As cars kept passing me by, driving as slowly as they were, I felt demoralized, and Soprano was way ahead now, i felt like crying but I’m not a quitter, I can do this and I was going to. So I psyched myself up, paid no mind to the cars passing me by or the shorts that kept going further and further up my bum and now i was starting to feel violated and I ran. Mind you,Soprano was no longer within sight, this meant only one thing I have to step my game up, my B game was now in gear, I made my way up the steep slope, breathless and sore, and I turned the corner.

 There he was stretching after utterly denting my ego, I ran all the way to our finish line, when I eventually reached him, he high five'd me and said well done. It had escaped me that this was my first run, and I was trying to keep to the pace of someone who had been running for weeks, crazy aint it?! We got in the house, hydrated and the run was done, just like that it was over, those felt like the longest 6 min of my life. I was happy that I ran with him, didn't give up and managed to reach the finish line, much like child birth, during the process the pain is so excruciating that you feel as though it will never end its hard to imagine let alone see the light at the end of the tunnel, but once you are done, the overwhelming joy that envelopes you is priceless. I will be running again with him tomorrow morning, it’s such a fulfilling experience and best of all I get to do it with him. Killing two birds with one stone, the best of both worlds; exercising and spending some quality time before the madness each day brings begins.


 It’s all love.

This thing called motherhood...

Motherhood is a whirlwind of emotions and crazy love, coupled with insanity and sometimes irrationality. You lose and gain yourself in this process, the person that you used to be as well as all the misconceptions you may have had about what motherhood entails. One can never really be prepared for this journey, regardless of the many books you may read, you will never be ready for the ride you are about to get on. All that you can do is give it your best and trust that God will always whisper to you the solution when everything seems to be falling apart. A number of things happen to a woman the day she becomes a mother, you begin to see life and yourself in a whole new way and so begins the process of selflessness. Every mother is different that is why it’s so important for each one to understand who they are so they may be able to make the best decisions for themselves as well as their baby. You will never be the way your mother was, you have experienced life differently to the way she has, but rest assured all the lessons she has taught you will always echo in your ears whenever you see your child doing something that you know, had it been your mom witnessing this, your child would have been smacked.

Humans are unique beings and each baby is different, “custom “made to fit into his or her parents lives, this is why you can never predict how a baby will act. I have learned that being a mom is hard, so much of you as a woman, as a person is invested in the process, each day you put yourself out there to be of loving service to a helpless being and hope that whatever lessons you impart on them, will be those that groom and develop them to be functional people. It’s sad that most of the time mothers get criticism instead of compliments; it’s only when one gets older or becomes a mother that you realize motherhood is a taxing role, a fulfilling but taxing role. Loving is not easy, as much as people may assume that loving a baby comes naturally, it really doesn’t, think about it, one has to consciously make the decision on  a daily basis that I will put the needs of my baby above my own. This is why when one hasn’t mentally prepared for this role they can easily spiral out of control. The world expects you to know from instinct what you are doing, to always be ok and coping and the minute you display any sign of being human, you are judged harshly.

This mother’s day has brought with it so many revelations for me, some understanding and foresight. I am thankful to God for the lessons I have learned, and I realize that with each new day comes the opportunity for improvement, for learning and for advancement. One of the lessons I’m yet to learn is that I need to relax; not sweat the small stuff, to be kind to myself and to understand that a well rounded mommy makes for a happy baby/child.

Trying to escape...

Very few things in life make sense, and the ones that don’t usually stay with us longer than they should. As they linger on in our hearts and minds they bring forth the innermost feelings we go out of our way to hide from the world but most importantly ourselves. The hardest thing in the world is being confronted with a truth you thought ceased to exist or affected you no more; the realization of it alone is enough to have you riddled with fear. I have come to realize and understand that every person has their own truth to live, and no matter how hard you try to avoid it or masquerade it with feelings of indifference it will always be there waiting for you to face it and own up to it someday.

As humans we are flawed and fallible and at the best of times the biggest cowards walking the earth, we go out of our way to find mood shifters that will have us in a stupor if that meant having to go another day without facing ourselves, our truth, our reality. I won’t pretend to be the biggest fan of reality, in fact there are times I have felt like checking out and just exiting and letting this life thing happen to me and not try and fight back, But if I was to put everything in perspective I really don’t want to escape anything. I want to go through life, face it and know that I have overcome something’s that I thought will be walls that will prevent me from growing but instead turned out to be bumps along the way. Reality is that smack on the face you receive when you think life is going to embrace with you with a hug and a kiss, painful as it may be it heals eventually and all that you are left with is the memory of all that happened to you.The thing with memories is that they soon fade they don’t linger on for decades unless if they are triggered by something, but when that happens  the thoughts aren’t usually as painful as the event was once upon a time.One has somehow healed, accepted and simply carried on with life.

I guess it’s true when they say it’s not really about what happens to you but rather how you respond to it, one’s attitude is key in determining whether you sink or swim because at the end of the day everything happens to everyone...as humans we just like to think that somehow God/ the universe or whatever force is out there is picking on us, we really not that special. I suppose the real question is how does one go on, how do you tackle everyday realities that leave many paralyzed with fear, dismay and low morale and still have a smile on your face or at most a positive attitude? How do you look towards a future that is not really guaranteed with hope? Well I don’t really have the answer to that because truth of the matter is as people we believe and trust in different things, and what I believe in might not necessarily be what gives you comfort at night when you can’t sleep and are smothered by nightmares.

What I do know for sure is that feeling sorry for yourself doesn't get anyone anywhere,one has to have a handle on their thoughts, actions, behavior and attitude towards life that's the only way to survive. There will always be something that happens that throws you off balance or totally decapitates you, adaptation and survival is key for making it to the next day still intact, bruised but still intact. This is why it’s so important for all of us to know who we truly are, to understand our own complexities and shortcomings and be able to handle them whenever life throws us a curve ball. Nobody ever said survival was easy but running away from yourself isn’t going to help much either, it’s a futile exercise as you can never really escape yourself, you are constantly around the clock with yourself. You have to live with who and what you are, when the circus packs up and  leaves town,when the music stops and reality pats you on the back it will be YOU  right there in the mist of it all, and so will your truth asking for some quality time. That’s the thing about the truth it has lasting power and endurance, lies are the only things that have a short life span more so the ones we tell ourselves. They can only comfort us for a little while even then the truth is always there in the background waiting, however long, it will wait for its acknowledgement. Delaying it can never deny its existence!

Across enemy lines....

There should be dramatic music with that title right? Just to shake things up,ok maybe that title is a bit too dramatic or even irrelevant to what I will be blogging about, with that said it sounded like the perfect title , anyway... I was having a conversation with a virtual stranger literally and they felt the need to make an uninformed assumption about me and the kind of person they think I am. I know hey, everyone is a quack nowadays too opinionated for their own good. Thats the beauty of modern technology you invite people you dont know to raid your personal space (thoughts)and have you questioning what you thought you knew about yourself and leave you loathing the core essence of what makes who you are,well if you are an instable mess to begin with. Thats not the case here, I'm still in tune with who and what I am...

I was asked if I am a lonely type of person, not wanting to sound like an idiot I asked him to please paraphrase his sentence because I really didint understand what he meant. He then continued to say  "I keep to my little self, in a little box known as my little world and I dont like to socialise mainly because I am shy or insecure". I love how he tried to make me sound like some insignificant little thing that needs saving, shows how macho he is right? *rollseyes*...Whoa some people have really missed their calling in life, how does one make such an analysis about someone they have never met, hang out with or had a proper conversation with that didint circulate around how hot you thought they were, like totally? I suppose thats where being gifted comes in. I had one of two choices to tell him where to to shove his load of crap or to play along and grant him the opportunity to realise the error of his ways, in the unlikely event that he is that intuitive. Okay moving on... so my next question was if I wasnt that what else would I be, without any hesitation he typed bubbly,(an air filled cavity)., well thats my understanding of bubbly.

I then realised he wasnt giving me much to work with, he gave me a lengthy description of who he thought I was and the alternative to that is bubbly. Bubbly? Really? Those are my two choices I am either bubbly or lonely, from his analysis clearly this doesnt leave me with much of a choice, one thing I am not is an air filled cavity, foam what ever else you wanna call it. But I'm also not some lonely damsel in distress who needs saving from his misplaced ego.After careful consideration I then realised he wasnt totally off the mark , I love keeping to myself mainly beacause I am trying to avoid these air filled cavities that roam the earth, trying to find a rainbow. Somehow his logic started to make sense, I realised that he represents a large percentage of people across the world who believe that if you not out there trying to be bubbly and fill up spaces you are lonely and insecure, I mean why else would you be spending time alone if you dont have issues?! His truth is most definitely not my truth but trying to convince someone you dont really know that you are not who they think you are is like trying to convince a toddler to sleep, its fustrating trust me I know.

Well I might not be on the quest of finding rainbows within bubbles, but I learned something tonight if you pay attention to every little thing that everyone says about you,  you will always be in crisis mode with 20 split personaities taking up space in your head, then you will start to believe their misguided "truths" of who or what they think you are. I just pray he doesnt start trying to save me from my demise, I really dont wanna crossover, LOL...loneliness knows me by name I've built a nest here.The fuckery that is people though! oh well such is life I guess.

Let me in...

Can't you hear me knocking or should i break this door down?

 I have been out here in the cold awaiting your warm embrace. 

Your resistance is starting to tick me off, I can't for the life of me understand why you are doing this. 

You know how I love company but here you are refusing to open up to me.

 I have been at this door knocking hysterically, pleading to be let in but in the cold I remain.

Why wont you let me in...

I keep changing faces, transforming,evolving so you may not recognize me...cause then you would flee.

My patience is wearing thin and if I don't feed off of your energy soon, I may never have a hold on you again. You may start to welcome in that joy and happiness crap, we cant have that now can we?!

I'm lusting after that weak spirit of happiness that lies within you, 

that you hardly ever embrace because you and I are best of friends.

So what if I bring along baggage with each visit?

 Surely by now you have learned to deal and cope with all that us being friends and all...

The hate that harbors in the hearts of those that let me in, like the stench of rotting meat I linger on

Ensuring that nothing but worrying, pain and misery live there, you know I never come alone. 

The turmoil that follows soon after always puts a smirk on my face,its like icing on the cake really.

There's nothing like the comfort of a lonely spirit, where hope has departed and negativity reigns,

no amount of make up can disguise that sadness, it always pierces through.

As the hairs on the back of your neck raises and everything is in disarray I am gratified.

Anything to kill the silver lining try to bring some golden moments into your world.

If I allow that to happen soon after you will be floating on clouds and being all grateful and appreciative.

The thought of that alone sends shivers down my spine...oh wait I'm spineless, but you get the idea.

Come on just let me in... its starting to feel lonely out here, I need your acknowledgement.

Don't be put off by the baggage I bring, lets keep each other company.Nobody wants to be lonely, please just let me in that's all I ask. Let me in

Lost soul...

So my soul went missing a while back,don't remember the actual day I just know it just wasn't there anymore. For some reason I actually think it walked out on me, I suppose I stopped being attentive and it disappeared. I have since been on the quest , searching aimlessly trying to find this which makes me whole. I must say this has been an emotionally exhausting excursion I had even given up hope of ever finding my joy and today I saw it walk through the front door and sit right next to me.

I don't even think it walked in, waltzed in better describes the grand entrance I witnessed. I was in awe to say the least, for one I didn't think it would recognise me, my insecurities took over and instead of being joyful I became self conscious. My mind was flooded with thoughts that needed answers, but above all else reassurance. As it made itself feel at home and eased within me peace overcame me and without uttering a word all those insecurities were silenced. A ball of fire rose within me and for the first time in months I felt alive, I would have screamed at the top of my lungs but I'm not one for theatrics, its presence was all the comfort I needed.

As I embraced the flow of ink and the overwhelming surge of words and emotions it dawned on me, my soul never left me to begin with, it just transformed into a being I wasn't yet ready to embrace and celebrate. I had been blinded by my own stubbornness refusing to acknowledge this new voice within me that wanted so badly to be let out and heard. As I sat there in the quiet without expectations with silence came a new understanding and acceptance just when I needed it most, the blockage had been lifted.Turns out writing makes me happy to say the least and as I dwell in my Eden I have to say I'm happy to be alive. The walls are down a beam of light is piercing through unapologetic-ally and as the rays warm my cheeks I know I'm home, my voice has found me.